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Monday, August 06, 2007

thoughts when a big-handed man rubs your butt...

ah ... massage goood.
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so remember this guy FLandis?

you know, that recovering menonite who groin punched the TourdayFrance last year?


well, funny thing is ... his "court" case still hasn't resolved yet ~ all the kindergarden powerpoint slides of "how i spent my summer" with DocBaker, the whole, hey Greg - i know what you did with your teenage peepee soap opera, etc etc.


and now?

nothing to report. it's been well over a year since the fiasco erupted and still no word on what the US Feds want to do about Floyd's allegedly tainted t-bag.
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and what exactly do we know about sKid Rock's case (other than the bizarre combination of CourtTV and Montel at his "arbitration")?
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the boy had a tube of urine richter up the testy-scales at a ratio of 11:1.

now, the theys of the interwebs tell us that a "normal" ratio is about 1:1. And the UCI/WADA/USADA/UpYoursAthletes legit the limit as 4:1 for athletes in compeetition.

FLandis' hoo-haw was gushing some serious man-juice almost 3 times the limit ... and thats after 2.5 weeks of racing the hardest event in the world. Now there is much whispering and not much science to say that after 17 days of prolonged and nut-crushingly wicked anddifficult riding ... your testosterone levels would actually DROP.

so ... what you gonna do?
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Exo-whaterous?

Under scrutiny and above frenchy reproach is this IRMS procedure that is supposed to inform us if the testy-rone in a boy's sample is true-blue or a flagged as alien-confederate. You see, if the tesosterone is from a foreign source - either synthetic or plant based (or siphoned off Lemond's left nugget) - then there is no tomorrow. Do not pass "Go," young FLandis ... and forget about ever laying hands on that $200 again.

But, TeamFLandis and the minds of science call into question the validity of said IRMS procedure ... they wonder at the methodology, the due diligence behind its creation and, in the end, the credibility and accurcacy of the test.


and many agree.
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Delayed on account of rain(dance)

At this point, Iron Fist FLandis has taken an unrecoverable hit to his money stash and personal reputation. The heads of WADA and the UCI have done little to show objectivity or calma regarding the case. And the current limbo we find the proceedings in is ... almost ludicrous.

The pissy test has been under scrutiny of the AAA (american arbitration association) since May. The arbitration process itself was full of the afore-glanced upon ups and downsof competency and melodrama rarely scene outside the low-brow confinces of 1pm television.

And as of yet, no decision made by the 3-person panel.

... 3 people picked by an organization heavily invested in the results of the arbitration.
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and even when that decision comes down, it will only be a step towards the inevitable ~ an appeal to CAS (ultimate international honchos of sporto-decisionification). CAS, you might recall, was the group that took about 300 years to finally decide on the truth and consequences of Tyler's positive doping charge of getting a blood transfusion from his wife's dog's chimera-twin (who was sexually abused).

Yes, CAS is that final destination for not-so-young FLandis' future to be decided. But, hasn't it already been?

I mean, if the guy does get exonerated ... who will throw a paycheck at him in these days of Mr.CleanCyclosm?
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But more likely, he will get it handed to him ~ and it will be but a small blip on the media radar, a buried byline of a hard-working (perhaps currupted) young man who got the scarlet punched onto his forehead.

and we will never see him again.

10 comments:

dr-nitro said...

Ah, back to doping scandals.

Correction, though. His testy was not high in absolute terms, just in relative terms to his epitesty.

What I love is that USADA's witness to vouch for the work of the French lab admitted at as a head of another WADA accredited lab that he was prohibited from criticizing the work of other WADA accredited labs. Great theater.

Vino's trial, with the same cast of characters, will hopefully also provide some ETV fun.

PAB(a.k.a.CID) said...

you really thought about all that while some guy rubbed your butt?

dr-nitro said...

It was his way of resisting the other thoughts from creeping into his head.

Ohh, Hans, rub deeper. That's it.

Wait, think ugly mug of Landis. That's the trick.

banks said...

Your conclusion of "we will never see him again." I wonder.

I'm pretty sure it was the year before FLandis signed with Phonak. He was a mountain stage lieutenant for Lance in the TdF.

FLandis got dropped all through the Pyrenees, which came first that year. By the time the Alps came around, FLandis miraculously started climbing with the front groups.

The quick turn-around can be explained a lot of ways.

Still, broke and ill-reputed is a condition that just might generate a book out of him if he has something to say.

dr-nitro said...

Que, Banks? He had a different role that year, and the two ranges are different, with the Pyrenees being steeper.

The one thing that is clear is that the lab did sloppy work, and did not follow protocol. This leaves everything open to speculation. And I don't think speculation is enough to establish guilt. This last point, though, is leading me to question my position about the Chicken.

Anonymous said...

Flandis is destined to be a Velo-Vet.

Anonymous said...

Please....I think it is a bit irresponsible of you to advertise (or at least post a picture of a product) which is probably illegal in the competitive cycling circle.

I know these products are out there and easy to get but let's not give any youngsters who race and view this blog any ideas.

Count Chamois the Fourth said...

Rudabaga-head
A quick search would have shown you there are no banned products in 'Testofreak'. I suggest you try 'Ejaculoid'. google it.
Besides, youngsters should not be reading ths blog. Clearly Hernando is not for the faint of heart (or the fairer sex it seems).

BTW
I would not fuck with Arnie Baker, he looks like a mean, ripped little man with strange fetishes.

Smithers said...

Still, broke and ill-reputed is a condition that just might generate a book out of him if he has something to say.

Yea, and maybe this book might actually say something worth reading.

jAndy donka-donk said...

I still haven't gotten past the breast to read the post.....

I go to read it and end up clicking the pic to enlarge it......

I had time to post this comment though in between chair cleanings.....