You pussy!

Alright, now that I've got your attention, let's talk about making realistic New Year's resolutions. You and I both know you aren't going to loose weight, ride more, watch less TV, eat more veggies, sleep more, sleep less, donate to charity, talk to your kids, etc. so don't set yourself up for failure by telling yourself that maybe this time it will be different.
It won't be.

But, there are some resolutions that are attainable. You can resolve to eat 2 servings of veggies a month, to watch no more than 10 hours of TV a day, to spend no more than 6 hours a day mindlessly surfing the interweb, to wash your bedsheets every 6 months, to shower at least once a month, brush your teeth once a week, call your parents once every two months or when you need $ or whichever comes first, etc. These are resolutions that are within your grasp.

Furthermore, if you are going to be spending a considerable percentage of your waking hours watching TV and/or surfing the interweb, you can also resolve to develop your vocabulary. In this spirit, I have taken the time to compile a list of words and phrases that I have collected in this past year. You may already be familiar with some of the following terms but treat this list not as a comprehensive, be all and end all list, but rather as a skeleton list with which to start your New Year off on.

ass hatchet
noun
Type of saddle that is particularly uncomfortable
see also 'beaver cleaver'

beaver cleaver
noun
Generally refers to a type of women's saddle that is particularly uncomfortable
see also 'ass hatchet'

BRIDE
acronym
Bicycle Racing Induced Disordered Eating, a disorder in which very restrictive eating habits and patterns are adopted in the name of bicycle racing. Believe it or not there is a difference between eating healthy and disordered eating.
Ex. Bob's got a horrible case of BRIDE. He'll only eat raw food that is vegan, wheat-free, shade grown, certified organic, fair trade, locally grown, and unprocessed. I think he can only eat at home, surrounded by his measuring cups and his gram scale, or at Cafe Gratitude.

brodeo
noun
Any gathering that is predominately male
See also 'sausage fest'

bromance
noun
An unusually strong attachment between two (supposedly) hetero men

carbon fibre
noun
type of material that is used in the construction of bicycles. Tomorrow's carbon fibre is significantly more laterally stiff, vertically compliant, and lighter than the carbon fiber of yesterday

duditude
Noun
Manner, disposition, or body posture that is aggressively and obnoxiously dudely

'frisco
Noun
Preferred abbreviation of San Francisco

fanny pack
noun
Bag that is worn around the waist. No, it is not called a hip pack, you fucking hipster turd nug, it's a fanny pack and if you don't have the cajones to call it what it is because it makes you think of a sweaty, bovine, balding midwestern man at the county fair then don't fucking wear one you pansy
Syn. man-purse
Ex. If Jackie Phelan rides with a fanny pack, there must be something to it!

fast
adjective
Describes a rider that is capable of dropping 90% of the population. Sometimes euphemistically used as a synonym for a BRIDEitis or 'rexie rider.

fixte
noun
Colloquial term for a fixed gear bicycle that originated in Novato
Syn. fixie

flesh fest
noun
Competitive event wherein competitors have to swim, bicycle, and run
syn. triathlon

"I used to be a runner"/"I ran in college/high school/etc."
idiom
Rider who is in the process of transitioning from cyclist to triathlete
Syn.'future triathlete'

laughing group
noun
Group of racers that compete for the title of "Lantern Rouge"

manscape
noun
a view or scene in which the predominate subject is a particularly attractive man or group of men
Ex. Say what you will about the evils of SlowCal; the manscapes of SlowCal are generally of higher quality then the manscapes of NorCal.

mantathalon
noun
Semi-competitive event that features several different masculine tasks. Often includes ball scratching, belching, beer guzzling, farting, etc.

Muppets
noun
Cult of athletes who are working collectively and successfully to dominate, destroy, and conquer every event that they enter. They should be considered armed and dangerous.

road bacon
noun
Colloquial term for the abrasions and injuries that a rider sustains when they crash
syn. road rash
related forms: bacon

sausage fest
noun
Any gathering that is predominately male
see also 'brodeo'
related forms: saus fest, SF

singlespeeder
noun
Describes a cyclist who rides a bike with one gear
Syn. Alcoholic, Stoner

SlowCal
noun
Abbreviation of Southern California
related form: SoCal

strong
adjective
Physically able to produce a large amount of power. Sometimes euphemistically used as a synonym for fat, sturdy, etc. when describing other riders.
Ex. Penelope sure is strong but she can't climb to save her life.

testacular
adjective
an event that is generally masculine in character (e.g. a pissing contest)
syn. mantastic

totes
abbreviation of totally
Ex. "Want to stop and get some coffee at Peets?" "Totes."

trots
noun
Exercise induced disorder that is characterized by the increased need to visit the bathroom

winter weight
noun
Weight that is gained at the end of the road racing season. Varies from 5 to 20lbs and is more common in the northern, colder latitudes. Provides additional cushion for 'cross racing.

wife pleaser
noun
Politically correct term for a white, sleeveless undershirt
syn. muscle shirt

WLB
acronym
Whiny Little Bitch, seen almost exclusively by the side of the road futzting with their saddle height, their cleat position, and/or their handlebars. Also found in bike shops on sunny weekend afternoons vocally describing their innumerable neurotic issues

I hope that this list serves you well and that you all have a happy new year.
Love and other stuff,
Ms. B. Hayven