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Thursday, December 27, 2007

Coffee Break Confessions

Sometimes I wash bike clothes in warm water - sometimes even in hot water. And then I put them in the dryer.

Sometimes when I’m riding my road bike, I stick my tongue out at other riders and it all depends on how they’re dressed. Usually it’s at posers all kitted up who think they’re too cool to wave. I never do it to women.

When I was in high school I used to babysit for this really annoying family. They were friends with my mom. The kids were obnoxious. Sometimes when the 2 year old wouldn’t take her nap in her crib, I’d squirt milk in her face from her bottle. It always made her stop crying. This is the reason I never left my kids with a nanny – I figured if I, a nice suburban teenager, was mean enough to squirt milk in the face of a 2 year old, then there were others who would do worse.

Sometimes I throw away my children's drawings. I keep the best, but in secret I throw out a lot. I stuff them down at the bottom of the recycling container so no one can see.

Sometimes I put the dishes in the dishwasher without rinsing them (sometimes I have to leave them in for a second and third washing).

Sometimes I sneak out of work for a 2 hour bike ride at lunch.

Sometimes I say I’m working from home, but in reality I’m gardening. I put the laptop in the yard with the volume turned way up and every time someone instant messages me, I walk over and respond.

Sometimes I pretend I'm asleep at 2am when one of the kids is calling for a parent. If I lay there for a few minutes, my husband will get up instead. Of course, if they're barfing there’s a better chance that I might get up.

Sometimes I go for leisurely bike rides on my race wheels without telling my husband.

Sometimes I make my kids wear their clothes for a second day in a row so that I don’t have to do the laundry that night.

Sometimes I lie about my age.

Sometimes I pretend I don't see my next door neighbor at Peets, so I don't end up in an hour long conversation about who's cutting what trees down and why so and so is doing you know what and how their uncle Harry has prostate cancer.

Two of my most favorite shows are Jackass and America’s Funniest Videos. (I'm a 40 year old mom of two.)

Sometimes I imagine scenarios where I slap my boss across the face multiple times. I dispise my boss and sometimes it's hard to pretend otherwise, so I just ignore her.

Once I looked out my front window and saw a neighbor's contractor watering their front yard... naked. I went and got my glasses so I could get a better look at him.

Sometimes I tell my children to SHUT UP! And I do it out loud, not in my head. I've done it a few times in the heat of the moment.

Once I introduced an acquaintance to my husband as my husband. I thought he was cute, we'd been talking for quite some time at a party and when my husband walked over I said Husband, this is my husband Brian. We all laughed and I turned red.

Sometimes I eat hotpockets for lunch.

Sometimes I secretly give away toys from my kid's playroom. I collect them in a big bag and take them down to goodwill (we have too much stuff and waay too many toys). Sometimes they sit in my trunk for a few weeks, and every time I open my trunk they ask, why is so in so in the trunk?!! And I lie and say, I'm bringing them to the cleaners to be cleaned and fixed!

Sometimes I pretend to listen.

Sometimes I stand inside the food closet by myself with the door closed and eat the last brownie or the last chocolate chip cookie or the last piece of chocolate.

Most times I'm late to pick up my kids from school and it's because I've been out riding, but I pretend that it's because I had a very important meeting at work.


Ippoc Amic said...

you gotta love this had to do 2 days?

T-baby said...

This is the single greatest post in the history of the internet.

Anonymous said...

Finally, a stellar post! I think we need to have Olaf appoint an editor. :) My read: there are some guys here who are jealous of Olaf's wit and sexiness and get excited to piss all over his turf. Really, they just look like assholes.

That's where editors can make a difference.

T. Marie said...

ahahaha! awesome!

velogirl said...

meatloaf strikes again. but I recognize some of this from other posts on her blog. are we repeating ourselves? or is this just a best of the best (cause she really is the best)?

hernando said...

i have a very important meeting right now!

PEANUT said...


funkdaddy said...

meatloaf, sincerely you are the queen of the blogosphere.

Anonymous said...

the best of the best of the best.

Kimberly (aka. DrKim) said...

meatloaf and OV rule the blogosphere. Awesome :-)