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Wednesday, December 20, 2006

i just work here

well ... last night while writhing on the rug and rolling all dirty over a foam noodle, i found myself lost in thought on the FLandis, vampiric bodies of bureaucracy, and lines drawn in sand.

I mean, poor FLandis - right? I keep reading folks talk about what a straight-shooter vibe the post-mennonite gives off when they rub shoulders with him, how they all hope he's innocent of la' dopage conspiracies. And, you wanna hope for the guy, yes? I mean, it was a great story - as much as anyone ... i was up there ringing cowbells to the heavens in applause on that fateful July day. It was legend in the making.

- - -

I don't know Floyd. The few times i raced against him, he seemed a stand-up guy. When he sat on my wheel at a crit in AZ for most of a lap then jumped around to take a prime (a pair of frickin' shorts), i taunted him after the race somethin' silly about how he gets his for free - and he smiled, all aw-shucks like, handing over the prime in square-dealin fashion. [For the record, he hadn't even heard what the prime was and just followed my wheel when i attacked out of the pack.] All I thought after that little episode was, that dude can take a joke AND has a bit of class in the making.

But again, I don't know him and don't think that qualifies me to judge, even if i did. I've been told by someone who claimed Floyd admitted that he doped, had to ... to make it in Europe. But, that's hearsay bullshit and not a game i like to play. Cuz one thing i do know ... bike racers are the gossipy-est bunch of fukkers in the known universe - so i don't hold no stock in any of that action.

But, in the dark and alone with your demons ... who's to say who might fall prey to those hard choices. And, what are the penalties and who judges?

- - -

TBV and RANT go on and on about the small-minded visciousness of WADA and the sundry bureacratic machineries struggling for trophy-kills and continued funding. Yeah, and maybe FLandis is a head on that sacrificial platter.

or maybe not.

But, there's policy to be made. I've stated clear and loud that I'm in favor of life-time bans. But, what if I were the thumb under the hammer? What if I tested positive for a magic cookie, or two (gasp, me?). Well ... i reckon it'd be time to hang up the bike and finish that great american novel gathering dust under the bathroom sink, "Lysander and his greatly unsheathed sword ... BattleDragon V".

- - -

Why are we so touched by these cyclists?

In '99 ... when Armstrong attacked on Sestiere? Oh man, I was out of my sockets in glee. A dude coming back from death, winning what no one said he could win, blasting through limits and traditions ... that shit was epic (sorry skibb).

And what draws us in, what connects us so viscerally ~ is that he is ... us. We ride the same roads, we tap into that same universal source of suffering. We are all pedalers.

grown ups on bikes.



Anonymous said...

Floyd deserves a second chance, just like Ms. USA....he just needs to go to rehab, have a press conference and apologize with tears then he is all set...

Olaf Vanderhoot said...


esquisite cynicism.

Anonymous said...

i don't know, didn't he pose nekkid for playgirl in his early 20's?

i think it's in the rulebook...

automatic positive.

Anonymous said...

"Cuz one thing i do know ... bike racers are the gossipy-est bunch of fukkers in the known universe"

What else is there to do when you are on the bike for 5-7 hours??

Facts are boring, you have to gossip and embellish.

Anonymous said...

I think that Olaf has even broke a rule or two in his day????

bbElf (a.k.a. panda) said...

Man, I can't help but think that it all starts falling to bits the moment that innocent people are penalized for things they didn't do, regardless of the offense.

It's on a different scale, but look at the folks getting acquitted of old crimes based on DNA evidence not available at the time they were on trial -- I'm sure they'd have something to say about the issue.

bbElf (a.k.a. panda) said...

This is all on a theoretical level and doesn't refer to my opinion on FL's case in particular.

Anonymous said...


Just to throw a twist into your argument: What if you tested positive and you hadn't had a magic cookie or two? Or anything that remotely smacked of a banned substance?

And for the record, if you were in the same situation as Floyd, I'd take up your cause, too.

- Rant

Olaf Vanderhoot said...

lauren - automatic ssschwing!


anony1 - juicey, too.


anony2 - i've lost waaaayyy to many braincells to that rule-breakery.


Panda - i hear ya.


Ranter - you ask: "What if you tested positive and you hadn't had a magic cookie or two? Or anything that remotely smacked of a banned substance?"

well, are you asking me to infer that Floyd didn't eat any cookies? I can't make that jump, brother. I can't make the jump that he's guilty or innocent of doping.

i can understand kicking the shit out of incompetent testing protocol. i can understand rearing up and snarling at myopic, mismanaged agencies.

but i can't say he did it. can't say he didn't do it.

he tested positive.

and some say the synthetic man-juice found seals the deal. and some say that testing isn't good science, either. and most don't know.

i just wish i'd bought him a beer after he gave up that prime, all honorable-like.

Anonymous said...


if the glove dont fit, you must acquit

You think OJ was guilty, well he wasnt, in da court o law!

But he was surely guilty in real life, and the real world.

But there is always a technicality that can lead to innocence.

As far as Floyd goes, only himself, and his people around him know the truth.

As far as Armstrong goes in 1999, only himself and the people around him know the truth.
It is interesting however that many people around Armstrong have either come out and admited to usage or have been implicated in usage themselves.

But there is no way if Armstrong did use, that he was the only one using at the time in the peloton. Look who was 2nd place that year, Zulle from the Festina affair. Virenque also had a good ride that year. As did some boys from Kelme who had Fuentes as their docotor at the time. So maybe Armstrong was just on a sort of level playing field with the others.
Then took that advantage and ran with it for 7 more years.

Lets face it Armstrong was the badest racer of them all! he was most determined and most talented and this led to his success. If he used then that only gave him the same advantage as the others who used. And if he didnt use, then why would so many around him be implicated for using, or come out and admit using.

What we are seeing here is life!

this is life we are trying to figure out and honesty is only skin deep.

make from that what you will,

do you believe Andreau, or Armstrong?

do you believe the folks at the French lab, or Floyd Landis?

I think each of the above listed has some skeletons in the closet, just like every other human who has ever walked the face of the earth.

Now all of you just go out and ride your bike, and decide for yourself...... do you attack? or do you draft?

you make the call for yourself

Velo Bella said...

did somebody say "cookies"?

Olaf Vanderhoot said...

jayzus ... i've been cochran-ed.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Flandria and Lauren but would like to add that THE Donald Trump should look into buying the TDF.That way he can combine both events (Miss USA)and probably get a discount rate on drug testing...

Anonymous said...


Actually, all I was asking was how you would react if you had a positive test when you hadn't done anything that you knew of to trigger that result.

Not asking you to make any leaps about what Floyd did or didn't do. The lab says he tested positive. Other people who've looked at the data say different. Who really knows for sure?

If there's any doubt about the results (which is how I see it), then I think the system has to err in favor of the athlete. To do otherwise risks punishing innocent victims -- whoever they may be.

From where I see it, the system is a mess and it needs fixing, but that's just my point of view.

Gotta say, though, giving you the shorts after the prime was a classy gesture on Floyd's part. I've never met him. Not likely to, either, unless I suddenly wind up living in SoCal.

- Rant

Wild Dingo said...

Grown ups on bikes. Ahhhmen.

Anonymous said...

i think Floyd wanted you to have his used cycling shorts after he rode that saddle so hard, and rammed that saddle and those shorts deep into a place where they test for prostate issues, for a reason. Floyd was drafting you and checking your tight little skinny narrow booty and he maybe wanted to sample out the goods, so he offered you his junk to maybe get your junk, punk.

Olaf Vanderhoot said...

he's welcome to it.


DickPound(r) said...

Floyd(my redneck king) did in fact test positive.

Thats a fact.

What is unknown at least to this poster is.......

How long is the life of the synth-man juice as OV called it in the body and should it if honestly present been found in DerFloyds other tests?

How can a lab as lame as the Chambery stay accredited?......I have seen meth labs with better policy and procedure. Well not really but ya know what I mean.

How does a 5th of Jack turn the Floydster into a mix of KidRock/Lance to spin Detroit jams all over the TDF on stage 17 all man like?

Ohhhhh and what about this operation Puerto Rico?

I think its just a new spanish reality show being played out live.....kinda like Punked but with skinny biker dudes instead of regular dorks.

All of this and I still dont understand how OV can reside in the greater Santa Cruz area and not test positive for MaryJane just by riding to work through the backwoods everyday..........

I think there is something very fishy about all of this and I stand here to accuse somebody of something but nothing more than being sexy like Ulle at Octoberfest

oh yeah one last thing............

Clean racers are dope!

Anonymous said...

arent labs supposed to be squeaky clean, not a total mess?

Olaf you are the best! You have such a cute smile and you gave Floyd one of his best lead outs ever.

Did you ask him if he had any of the synthetic stuff on that day? Nope, because your no dope, you only cope with lots of hope, to never get hung by the rope or fall down the slope or be lectured by the pope and have your mouth washed out with soap!

The Sage said...

Floyd will be free and ride 4 CSC. Think about it, what better way tp prove himself then on CSC. U know BR needs a true GC guy....FL BR working it'd be crazy...