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Thursday, June 29, 2006

NewsFlash - Commesso wins TdF

Jul 23, 11:58 AM EDT

Darkhorse wins major French Bicycle Race
AP

After three weeks of drug charges, rider protests, police raids, and the expulsion of 12 entire teams from its race, the Tour de France organizers crowned a fiesty Italian as the champion of their historic event.

"I'm so happy to have survived the Tour. Yes, some will put an asterisk next to this year's spectacle, but my victory is still sweet and will go down well with my mama's chianti for years to come," beamed the dimunitive, but stocky rider.

In this year's Grand Boucle, labeled by many in France as the "Spanish (don't) Fly (no mo') Tour," there were a modern record of only 23 riders surviving to pass over the storied finishing cobbles of Paris. The slowest Tour and fewest finishers since the controversial win in 1906 by Frenchman, Rene "nose candy" Pottier, this year's Tour surely marks a turning point in the efforts to produce clean champions in a sport marred by cheats and liars.

"I really suffered over the high mountains," the punchy Italian commented in his post race news conference. "The heat, the elevation ... when Backstedt attacked up Alp d' Huez, I thought for sure he would take away my yellow jersey. But, after a moments discussion with my director, my morale improved and I was able to claw back enough time to retain my lead. It was a close call!"

Backstedt would go on to win the polka-dotted King of the Mountains jersey while the sprinters champion green was secured when American Chris Horner won the final stage's gallop up the Champs-Elysées.

Asked how he felt to be the first winner of a clean Tour de France, Commesso was quick to comment that it was a dream come true. "I'm just so happy my suspension for cocaine ended in April and I could properly prepare for the Tour."

18 comments:

PAB said...

you owe xbun a laptop...

Velo Bella said...

bah!

when Backstedt attacked up Alp d' Huez

bbElf (a.k.a. panda) said...

Ha ha! I'd like to be on-hand for that tour.

marscat said...

superb!

Velo Bella said...

a moment's discussion

you're funny

velogirl said...

Hey, that's my strategy! I'm just waiting for all the dopers to quit racing with the CAT4 women so I can finally win a race!!! Clean is real, baby!

Ippoc Amic said...

worthy of a by line in L' Equipe...

Velo Bella said...

and the cheaters still win....

X Bunny said...

suspended for cocaine?

i guess he didn't use the same dentist as simoni who got off for that....

---

i guess we'll call this laptop yours now, pab

The Sage said...

Nice...

Little_Jewford said...

wow, how did you know Commesso winning the TDF is one of my fantasies (prob the only one I can write about here) .... of course you left out the part about Baldato winning the polka dot jersey.....

Johnny Sprocket said...

The flip side of this whole scenario is that when the sport is "clean", I'm going to be toiling alongside the likes of Roberto Heras in the Cat 4 class. Of course at that point he may have a hard time getting up a small speed bump, but intimidating none the less.

Benjaminiac said...

i've seen commesso riding with his eyeball popping out of his head he was so high. it was the day he beat me up brasstown bald...

he did just mess up his shoulder and you know what happens when that happens so maybe there's still hope for a commesso victory.

Chris said...

[COMMESSO]
E when you go-a to da movies in America dey give-a you a big tub of da pop-a-corns. I don-a mean-a da small kind-a you feed-a da pidgeons. And-a you know-a wat dey call-a de milk-shake in Rhod-a-Islanda?

[RASMUSSEN]
Vat do zey call dis shakemilch in dis place?

[COMMESSO]
A cabinet.

[RASMUSSEN]
A kabinet? Like ze staff of ze president in his vhite haus?

[COMMESSO]
SI! Prego! It's-a milk-a-shake, too, not a cold gella-tine-ated non-dairy flavored whey beverage, either.

[RASMUSSEN]
Vat do zey call a frostee?

[COMMESSO]
I dunn-o. I never went-a to Wendy's.

Olaf Vanderhoot said...

plump fiction

... excellent

shawndoggy said...

Oh man, i'm gobblin' down today's dirt so fast that my face looks like a two yearold after a plateful of oreos.

Holy crap. Go Bobby J. If he's really clean.

Chico Cyclist said...

And as of this morning, nothing would shock me - he could win it!

nicknameless said...

Bwahhhh....nice

It sucked waking up to bye, bye Basso on CNN this morning though.