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Wednesday, November 07, 2007

on the quick-like

i woke up with all my clothes on.
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the removal of my c-bone hardware seemed like such an easy gig ... just open up the shoulder, use the black n' decker drill briiip and excavate, then slap some mustard over the top of the stitches and send me on my merry way.


however,

i remember the heart rate monitor beeping alarms before i went under sedation. Paco the gay nurse's assistant was taking an exceptionally long, luxurios time shaving my shoulder in surgery preparations. I haven't had my neck held that long since guantanamo. The vein splitter nurse was chatting me up like a caffeinated squirrel as she injected drugs into my arm via a pluggy/IV-thing.

The anaesthesiologist watches me from behind a clipboard and keeps looking up at the beeping heart rate machine behind me. They finally reset the beeping machine to alarm off if my HR goes below 35 instead of 38.

i had no idea my hr was that low. i was just sitting there, enjoying Paco's massago-shavings and the sensations of nurse squirrel jabbering various needles into my arm. i guess 37bpm was all the excitement the scenario gave me.
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anyway ... all during this session de' razors and stickpins ~ i'm nekkid as a jaybird under a flimsy, almost see through, surgi-gown.

and 2.5 hours later, when i awoke from the drugs and the cuttings ... you know that anaesthesia wake-up of not having any sense of time lapse ~ no dreams, nothing but a snip of reality sliced together ... i was wheeled out of the surgi-center, paid and given the business ...


fully dressed.


i hope paco had a good time.

17 comments:

ginmtb said...

37? Guess that qualifies you as elite... I've fallen out of shape and am in the 50's now. Funny, wonder what the average adult is. 70's? More?

MarkS said...

Thats classic

Velo Bella said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Velo Bella said...

you brought your hardware to work?

dblrider said...

Olaf - Glad to hear everything went well. Thanks for making me laugh so hard that my eyes are still watering.

Jen said...

You probably dressed yourself and just don't remember it. I had my wisdom teeth pulled two years ago and when I was waking up the nurses said I had a great conversation with them of which I have no recollection.

But I like your version of the story better. More drama!

shawndoggy said...

Hey, uh, Jen, if you took your clothes off to have your wisdom teeth pulled.... I'm pretty sure that's non-standard.

marscat said...

you and VB find all the pervs.

Anonymous said...

I know Paco had his way with you, I am sure of it. He saw your shaved legs and KC & The Sunshine Band smile and hair, and I am positive Paco took that for a all systems go landing and flew his fighter jet right into your open runway.

If you feel a little soreness in some sensative area's just thanks Paco.

You are so beautiful to me, cant you see.

bbElf (a.k.a. panda) said...

Happy birthday, dear Paco...

swiggco world said...

I can tell you for sure that you weren't sleep-riding on Tuesday. Heal up fast you devil ! Cheers.

WarrenG said...

You fell for the get naked for shoulder surgery thing?! I thought that only worked at college frat parties. Oh well, I hope you gave Paco a nice tip.

And check for any new tatoos. Paco likes to leave his "patients" with something to remember him by.

lauren said...

all better.

pedro said...

dude, you've been molested!

paquito esta...pero MUY contentisimo.

MarkS said...

I bet you could have that made into a kick ass bottle opener..........now thats an idea I can get behind......

In a non Paco kind of way that is

MS

Ippoc Amic said...

it's gey...

TreBone said...

What a small world! I know Paco too but had completely the opposite experience. Got the same neck massage, but woke up naked in the alley behind Safeway. Huh..