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Monday, June 05, 2006

speaking of retards ...

I am a crappy shopper.

tonite, rummaging through Trader Joe's ... i scavenged neither necessities nor things desired. I simply, grab-handled out of habit and circumstance. Well, unless gewurztraminer can be termed a necessity.

Actually, maybe it can ...


At the Trader Joe's ~ I consumed. I grabbed and purchased and moved forward our e-conomy as much as my checkbook would allow.

In short, I pulled my weight.

- - -

For some time now, and i can't tell you why, i've been consumed with finding that one perfect metaphor for our modern american life. You know, that single crystalline, pure-breed image, concept or sales item that best sums up, straight up, our early 21st century existence.

i considered the luxury SUV ... with it's meaningless terrain modulation and diamond coated cupholders. But then, is it too limited in scope and availability? For, are there not poor people, too? Are there not those who think less of leather interior and more of Happy Meal contents?

i considered the flat screen TV ... but, what of those many who still dine by cathode ray tube? Those who know not of the slim delicacies of a life-size playback of the Packers game, sitting regal and slender on a sandstone spackled wall?

i considered the Gap.

but then i vomited.

And so, I am left searching ... searching for that simple, all-encompassing 'thing' that captures the spirit, the mindgeist, the ... 'i don't know what' of our burning-mad fiddle playing MP3 soundtrack.

I search for ...

Fabric Softener.

Those mysterious sheets thrown into electrified laundresses that burn out the zing from our socks and lighten up the snifters in our slacks. The fabric softener is an invention both necessary and useless in the same instant. It is both marvelous in it's machination and meaningless in its application.

It is ~ america.

but, since i am lazy and half in the bag ... i will post and not fluff. Leaving out metaphor and extension of thought.

do fill in for me, will you?


PAB said...

i laughed out loud reading this.

then it made me sad.

not sure i can fill in the blank for you, though i wish i could help.

there is only one thing i know for sure in this world, and you know what that is.

and gewurtz is at times a necessity.

grant said...

I'm right there with you, And I was thinking I could feel my grip tighten on the handle of the fabric softener metaphor, when I thought- staying on the topic of laundry of course- "What about the dryer?"

Yeah, I really think so. The clothes dryer. One of those "necessities" that lots of the non-american world lives without. A big ol' box to be shopped for and bought. A reason to go to a mall. A person to pay. Electricity to produce. Each new model more energy efficient and silent and reliable than the next... who knows? Some say one day we may even have dryers as efficient and silent and reliable as a clothesline and a june saturday afternoon.

X Bunny said...

oh, Snuggles the bear would never steer us wrong

never convince us we need something truly without substance or purpose

he is so darn cute

marscat said...

those hideous plug-in air fresheners...i seek and destroy them at motels

Velo Bella said...

please stop using those awful sheets. I can't stand those things. The texture of them gives me the heebie jeebies

VeloRainDog said...

I was thinking that elusive metaphor might just be:

Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.

Consumed by billions, nourishing, but in all the wrong ways, oh so wasteful, and oh so 'murkin.

Johnny Sprocket said...

I think the thing that describes us the most is "nothing". Rich people want it...nothing, poor people have it...nothing, we come from it before birth and we return to it after death. Unless you subscribe to the writings of (insert your diety here). The thing in the middle, the vapidness of life, in the end is really nothing after you are gone. Camus

Ippoc Amic said...

playlists, favorites, guides, templates, trek project one, etc...the flexibility of something mass marketed that has the ability to be customized and individualized..

and, I still hang out my clothes on a clothes line with little wood clothes pins...

DarknessGrows said...

And yet you still consume item that you do not need. You feed the mechanism of your own destruction like the blind fool that they want you to be. You are more a part of the illusion you deny than you could even realize.

It Grows.

Velo Bella said...

like pink bicycles?

Velo Bella said...

I ain't hanging my clothes on little pins to dry. No way. I may be going to hell in a handbasket, but I am carrying that handbasket straight to the dryer.

shawndoggy said...


The car. Let's not pick on subspecies of vehicles, but rather four wheeled fossil fueled transportation. It's everything american. Bravado (corvette). Swagger (H2). Self consciousness (prius). Envy (lexus). Greed (porsche). Function (choose yer minivan). Form (solstice).

We design our homes with gaping powered front doors to swallow them. Sprawl, growth, independence, love... there's a car in all of those stories.

marscat said...

vello bella is a funny energy hog!

shannon said...

my fave: the amusement park--it's got your cars, shawndoggy (miles and miles of them, all in cutely coded parking lots); it's got your bad food a la le Big Mac; and it's got thousands and thousands of overheated folks desperately milling about looking for the peak experience and never finding it, refusing to admit that they're miserable, insisting that it's just around this corner, on that ride. yikes.

bbElf (a.k.a. panda) said...

"Diet" foods: the calorie & nourishment free types.

We create all these useless foods so that we can gorge ourselves "guilt-free" while a good chunk of the world actually starves. How arrogant is that?

That said, please don't be too upset when you catch me with a diet coke.

Velo Bella said...

Trader Joe's Tiramisu gelato.

and I'm pissed that you didn't get any

alicat said...

Oh Merkeley Bike, where are you?

As I was getting dressed this morning MB sputtered out a single word which was a non-sequitor at the moment, but I now realize that he had potentially stumbled upon OV's all-American icon.

But without it, how would we fire this dream of consumers everywhere?

X Bunny said...

i thought the gelato was the whole purpose? oh well, you got gewurzinager at least

laundry man hangs some things outside sometimes but that doesn't work in the snow....

Merkeley Bike said...


Olaf Vanderhoot said...

pab = let's get gewurtzin, brudda.

grant = "efficient and silent and reliable as a clothesline and a june saturday afternoon"

... that shit rocks.

bunnyX = Snuggles is the antichrist

marscat = lead the revolution, sistah.

VB = sheets will continue ... i don't like your socks stickin' to my chamois.

... and i got chocolate gelato, cause i wanted it.

VDog = would you like fries with that?

jsprockets = don't make me bust out the happy stick on your ass.

ippoc = luddite

darky = go back to watching tv

shawnyD = me likey

shannon = i'm totally stealing that one. choice.

elfdo = i'm slappin' that diet coke outta your hands soon as i see it.

n' replacin' it with a brew.

AliCat & MerkyBoy = coffee-mate.
nice. and marshmellow shooter? that's kinky.

hope that crash is healin' up, yo.

~ ~ ~

aahhh ... i knew i could rely on the blogosphere to mad-lib our madness a bit more colorific.


Velo Bella said...

thats not what you said last night

X Bunny said...

methinks it is just as well you didn't know me when i was in college

Jill said...

Love the metaphor - and I've never used a fabric softner sheet in my life. I think this means that I hate freedom.

Jed said: said...

Oh man, I must be like the anti-christ.

I'm a total consumer.